Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
