why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
