One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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