Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
