anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
