he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
