I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Panties = found
Randomize
