awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
