for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
And then he peed in my hair
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