Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
why do cheetos always look like penises
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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