i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
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I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
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It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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