I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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