Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
