I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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