Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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