can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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