Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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