whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
