In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
