I skipped work to stalk him.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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