OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
