im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
