I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
