Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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