Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize