if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
