i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
