I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
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