Who wears a wallet chain?!
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I love you. Go after that dick
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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