my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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