three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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