STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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