dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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