My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Randomize
