Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
