You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
