Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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