I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
