I wish my penis had an off switch
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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