I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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