I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
