I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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