Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
