the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
