Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
