I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
3pm strippers are depressing
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
