my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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