made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
These 19 Ladies Love Pegging Their Men
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night