How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
29 People Confess The Worst Example Of Dirty Talk They’ve Ever Heard
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
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THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.