im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Dating After Heartbreak
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.