She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.