I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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