i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
me + whiskey = a bad person
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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