Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
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