I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
