Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
it was like having sex with a tree stump
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Randomize
