I saw his package. It spoke to me.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
