i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
